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01 October 2013 @ 11:06 am
This is just a different take on Gill/Julie.

My titles are playing around with those of certain movies, so this one is obviously taken from the movie Gray Matters. I might change the title, I'm not sure, especially as the story isn't finished yet.

Gill Matters

It was a Friday evening, and everyone from Syndicate 9 had gone out for drinks after work. Janet and Rachel were dancing, wine glasses in their hands; Kevin was arm wrestling with Lee and losing, with Mitch and Pete laughing and cheering; meanwhile, Gill was sitting quietly just watching it all. She wasn’t feeling particularly cheerful tonight. It was over between her and Chris, if she was honest with herself it had never really started, and she was once again on her own. Why couldn’t she just find someone who really wanted to be with her?

In all fairness, though, any faith she had had in true love had been shattered by Dave. She wasn’t really upset about breaking up with Chris, he had always been much too young for her, and it was never that serious to begin with; no, it was the fact that it was just another failed relationship with a man. The fact that it had been doomed from the very beginning didn’t seem to count for anything.

Look at them, she thought to herself, watching the team members of her syndicate let loose after a long day at work. They are just out there having fun, enjoying life. Why can’t I do that?

A female voice interrupted her train of thought.

“Hey, ma’am, is this seat taken?”

Gill looked up and smiled when she saw the familiar face of Julie Dodson.

“Hiya slap. How’s life?” Gill responded, and nodded at the empty chair on the other side of the table. Julie sat down, and placed her glass of red in front of her.

“Oh, you know, same old shit really.” Julie shrugged and made a face of mock-disgust.

Gill couldn’t help but chuckle at her best friend; she really did have some funny facial expressions up her sleeve.

“So what’s up with you, then, you mad old cow? Why are you sitting over here all by yourself?” Julie raised her eyebrows.

“Just thinking, I suppose.”

“Woman, you don’t come to the pub to think!” Julie declared, and raised her glass, nodding at Gill to do the same.

“Cheers! Let’s get hammered.” Julie downed her glass. Gill drank whatever was left in her glass as quickly as she could; suddenly getting shitfaced seemed like a really good idea.

“I’ll go get a bottle,” Julie said with a cheeky grin. Gill gave her a thumbs up to show her that she was game.


Two hours and three bottles later, Gill and Julie had joined Rachel and Janet on the dance floor. They were playing Waterloo by Abba, and when Gill started singing along, horribly out of key, Julie joined in, and soon enough all four of them were shouting out the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

“You’re all tone deaf!” Kevin yelled out, and demonstratively covered his ears with his hands. The four women just laughed and continued dancing like there was no tomorrow.

“Hey guys,” Lee said loudly, “we’re thinking about going to that bar up the street. Who’s in?”

“Me!” Rachel called out.

“And me,” Kevin followed.

Gill and Julie looked at each other. “I’m too old for that,” Gill chuckled, and Julie nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, you are, you boring old sod.”

“Oy, shut up, you fat arsed bitch.” Gill crossed her arms and gave Julie her best mean stare.

Julie laughed. “Yeah, there is absolutely no way I’m going to that bar-slash-club place up the road,” she admitted.

“Wanna go back to mine?” Gill suggested. “The kid is away for the weekend, and I’ve got plenty of alcohol.”

“Ooh, you had me at alcohol,” Julie replied.

“Come on, let’s get a taxi.”

They said their goodbyes to the rest of the gang, and stumbled outside.


Fifteen minutes later, they were outside of Gill’s house. Gill fumbled in her handbag for her keys, and eventually managed to unlock the door. She dumped her coat in the hallway, and kicked off her heels. She then went to the kitchen to find a bottle of wine and two glasses.

Julie sat down on the sofa, and not a minute later Gill emerged from the kitchen.

“Here we go,” she said, stumbling a bit.

Julie chuckled slightly at the sight of her drunken best friend. “Cheers my dear,” she chirped as Gill handed her one of the glasses.

Gill sat down next to Julie, and poured the wine, after which she proceeded to drink half the glass in one go.

“So, how’s… Susan? Suzie? Whatever her name is,” Gill asked, knowing Julie had been dating a woman whose name was something along those lines. She was too drunk to remember.

“I don’t really know,” Julie sighed. “I ended it with her a couple of nights ago, it wasn’t really working for me.”

Gill raised her glass towards Julie, and drunkenly said, “Cheers to being single!”

Julie was taken by surprise. Single?

“Are you not seeing Chris anymore, then?” She asked, giving her best friend’s shoulder a sympathetic squeeze.

“Oh, no, we broke up. Last night.” Gill replied, tears welling up in her eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Gill.” Julie put her wine glass down on the table, and put her arms around the smaller woman. Gill put her head on Julie’s shoulder, and allowed the tears to fall down her cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” she choked back a sob. “We weren’t even that serious. It’s not Chris,” Gill said through her tears.

“What do you mean, love?” Julie asked.

“I’m not really upset about breaking up with Chris. It’s just…” Gill trailed off.

“What? What’s wrong?” Julie asked, voice full of concern.

“Nothing. I’m pissed,” Gill sobbed.

“Hey. It’s clearly not nothing,” Julie said. “Just tell me, Gill. Please?”

“It’s stupid, but… I’m scared I’m unlovable, Julie. I’ll probably never find someone who loves me ever again.” Gill looked at Julie with great sorrow on her face. Julie’s heart ached. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Gill - beautiful, smart and funny Gill - thought she was unlovable?

“Oh, love, you are so wrong,” Julie said, struggling to keep control over her emotions as she watched her best friend fall apart.

“Am I, though?” Gill said, wiping tears off her face. “I don’t think I am. I’ve become old and unattractive. Men my age have no interest in me, not when they can get someone who is twenty years younger.”

“Those men are clearly nothing but blind fools,” Julie said in disbelief. She knew Dave – Captain Underpants – was largely to blame for this, for sleeping around behind her back all those years, and for eventually leaving her for a younger woman. Julie absolutely despised that man for what he had done to her best friend.

“You’re just saying that to be nice,” Gill sniffed.

No, I’m really not, Julie thought to herself. You are so gorgeous it sometimes hurts just to look at you.

“Ah, sod it. Crying like this isn’t going to make me any prettier,” Gill said with a small chuckle.

Shut up. You’re gorgeous. I can’t stand it.

Julie just smiled at her best friend, shaking her head slightly. “Gill, you are not unlovable, and you are not unattractive. You’re amazing, you stupid cow.”

Gill returned the smile, but she was still crying. “If that’s true, how come I’ve been single for five years?”

Julie sighed, and looked straight into Gill’s eyes, really feeling the weight and the pain of what her best friend was saying. “You’re not looking in the right places.”

Gill looked confused for a moment. “Right. So where should I look?”

“How about right in front of you?” Julie replied.

Shit. That was out loud, wasn’t it?

“Wha… what?” Gill said, eyes wide.

“You… I mean…” Julie stammered, trying to come up with an excuse for her choice of words. She couldn’t think of anything.

Oh, fuck it.

“Gill,” Julie began, trembling slightly. “Just look at me. You don’t have to look any further to find someone who loves you.”

Gill didn’t understand what Julie was trying to say. “I know you care about me, slap, you’re my best friend, and I love you too.”

“No, Gill, you don’t understand,” she continued, choking back a sob. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I think you are the most beautiful person on the planet. It’s painful to look at you sometimes, you’re so gorgeous. So when you start saying that you’re unattractive, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry, because I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember. I know you’re straight, don’t worry. I know I have no chance with you whatsoever. But Gill, I need you to know that you ARE attractive. You are absolutely stunning, and you’re funny, smart and generally just perfect in every possible way. They should be lining up around the corner for you.”

Gill wasn’t sure she was hearing her best friend correctly. All she could do was stare at Julie, trying to make some sense of it all.

“I’m sorry for throwing all that in your face, Gill. I just couldn’t stand the thought of you feeling that way about yourself. I want you to know that you’re wrong. But I’m happy just being your friend.” Julie was starting to feel a bit nervous; what if she’d fucked everything up by saying all those things? She’d really hate herself if she had compromised their friendship.

For a few minutes they just sat there in silence, trying to process what was happening.

“So are you saying…?” Gill asked carefully.

Julie took a sharp breath, pain spread all over her face. She nodded. “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Gill reached out and stroked Julie’s cheek lovingly. “Don’t be sorry,” she whispered, before she leaned in to place a kiss on Julie’s lips.

Julie’s heart was practically beating out of her chest. She was kissing Gill. Her tongue was in Gill’s mouth. Her hands were in Gill’s hair. Gill’s arms were wrapped around her neck. This was the most amazing feeling in the world.

The kiss deepened, and became more passionate. Julie was kissing her best friend desperately; after spending so many years just dreaming about it, it was finally happening and it was so much more incredible than she could have ever imagined. Her head was spinning out of control as she continued to kiss the woman of her dreams.

For a while they just sat there, wrapped up in each other’s arms, making out like a couple of teenagers. Finally, they broke apart, resting their foreheads against each other whilst trying to catch their breaths.

“Wow,” Gill said, still slightly out of breath. She looked up with a smile on her face, but that quickly vanished when she saw that her best friend was crying.

“Is something wrong?” She asked worriedly.

Julie shook her head. “I never in my wildest dreams imagined that this would ever happen.”

Gill felt tears well up in her own eyes. Julie was beautiful.

“It’s important to me that you are absolutely certain that this is what you want, though,” Julie continued. “Because I am so in love with you that it hurts, and it’s going to hurt even more if you let this continue now and then change your mind.” Julie’s voice was shaky with emotion.

Gill reached out and grabbed Julie’s hand. She held onto it as she looked into Julie’s eyes. “Julie, love, I cannot describe the way you’re making me feel. I only know that I never want to stop feeling this way.” She smiled through her tears. “I find it hard to believe that you actually feel that way about me. I look nothing like those women you usually date.”

A small chuckle escaped from Julie’s mouth, and she leaned in to kiss her best friend again. “Of course you look nothing like them, you mad cow. You look like you,” she said, smiling back. “Absolutely perfect.”

“I’m sure you will find that I am far from perfect,” Gill said, gazing at Julie. “You, on the other hand, are beautiful inside and out. I don’t deserve you.”

“Gill,” Julie said, and framed the other woman’s face with her hands. “You are too adorable for your own good. I love you. I love your smile, I love the way you carry yourself and the way you boss people around so effortlessly.”

Gill giggled, and shook her head, but she kept her gaze firmly on Julie.

“I love your sense of humour,” Julie continued. “I love how smart you are, and how dedicated you are to the work you do. I love your witty sarcasm and how quick you are. I love your enthusiasm. I love your kindness. I love how much you care about everyone around you. I love your compassion. I love the way your eyes light up when you get excited. I love how you can make me laugh no matter how shitty my day has been. I could go on for hours, Gill.”

The smaller woman blushed, and looked away for a moment. Julie let go of her face, and grabbed hold of her hand.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” she said softly.

Gill looked back into her eyes, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I love you, Julie.” She leaned in to kiss the other woman passionately, and Julie responded by putting her arms around her, pulling her closer. She slipped her tongue into Julie’s mouth, and once again Julie responded accordingly.

“Let’s go upstairs,” Gill mumbled into Julie’s mouth.

Julie felt a shiver down her spine. Oh god, it was happening. She pulled back enough to look at Gill lovingly. “Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” Gill replied, leaning in to capture Julie’s lips with hers once more.


Stumbling into Gill’s bedroom, Julie eventually managed to successfully get Gill onto the bed, and proceeded to pin the smaller woman to the mattress, once again kissing her with an increased level of desperation. She had never wanted anyone the way she wanted this woman. She fumbled with the buttons on Gill’s blouse; she couldn’t get it off soon enough. Once all the buttons had been undone, she kissed her way down Gill’s neck, chest and stomach until she reached the skirt, which she then pulled off and threw on the floor, along with her tights. She kissed her way back up again, from her feet and up to her neck, until her lips were back on Gill’s. Julie could feel Gill reacting to every kiss, every touch, which felt nothing short of amazing. The fact that she could have such an effect on her best friend was absolutely incredible.

Gill was completely lost in a haze of heat and lust. She wanted more; she wanted all of Julie. She started unbuttoning Julie’s shirt, and eventually made her roll over so she could remove the clothing item completely. Sitting on top of Julie, she also finally slipped her own blouse off, and leaned in for yet another passionate kiss.

Making her way down Julie’s upper body with a trail of kisses, Gill eventually reached her target – Julie’s trousers. She unzipped them, and ran her fingers along the lines of Julie’s panties, which were now exposed. Julie whimpered beneath Gill’s touch, which prompted Gill to slowly, but surely, pull Julie’s trousers off completely. Once off, Gill crawled her way back up to lock lips with the other woman, whilst simultaneously placing her knee in-between her legs. A loud moan escaped from Julie’s mouth, and she responded by putting her hand between Gill’s legs, stroking the outside of her panties. “Mm, oh god, Julie,” Gill whispered against Julie’s mouth, before continuing to kiss her best friend with immense passion.

Gill could feel Julie shiver uncontrollably as she trailed off on another adventure down her body. She started tugging at Julie’s bra, and Julie lifted her back up slightly, allowing Gill to unhook it and pull it off entirely. For a moment she just stared at Julie, then she leaned in and put her mouth to her ear. “You’re beautiful,” she whispered softly. Julie felt a shiver running down her spine. “Not nearly as beautiful as you,” she whispered back.

Julie flipped Gill over so she was back on top. She removed Gill’s bra, and started kissing and stroking her breasts tenderly. She could feel Gill whimpering beneath her. “Please don’t stop,” she heard her mumble. Julie wouldn’t think of stopping at this point! She made her way down to Gill’s panties, which by now were completely soaked, and she decided to just pull them off. Gill’s breathing was getting increasingly heavy and unsteady. Julie inserted one finger, and then another, inside of Gill. The other woman’s uncontrolled whimpering let Julie know that she had found the right spot, and she started rubbing her fingers against it. She could feel Gill’s body tensing up with every wave of pleasure, and she heard her mutter a string of expletives under her breath, which she was fighting hard to remain in control of. Finally, Gill climaxed. “Oh god!” She moaned loudly, digging her fingers into the mattress to stop herself from making any loud and shrill noises. Julie ran her hands along Gill’s upper body before placing a tender kiss on her lips.

“You’re amazing,” Gill whispered, kissing her back.

Julie fell back onto the mattress, and pulled Gill into her arms. Gill settled into the other woman’s embrace, and sighed happily.

“It’s funny,” Julie said, after a while, whilst treading her fingers through Gill’s hair. “After all the years I’ve spent fantasizing about kissing you, wondering what it would be like, and imagining you naked… the reality turned out to be such complete crap.”

“Oh, fuck off, will ya!” Gill exclaimed, slapping Julie’s shoulder.

Julie rolled over so she was gazing down at Gill. “No, honestly,” she said. “Doing this…” She leaned in and covered Gill’s lips with hers, kissing her lovingly, before pulling away again to look into her eyes, “…feels so much better than I could ever have imagined.” She smiled, and felt her eyes go blank with tears. “And of course, however beautiful you look in my head, it cannot compare to the actual real-life you.”

Gill pulled Julie’s face down to once again kiss the other woman. It felt amazing to be this close to her, and even better to hear her say those words.

“There’s no way I look better in real life than I do in your head,” Gill said, once she had settled back into Julie’s embrace.

Julie chuckled. “Stupid cow,” she muttered underneath her breath.

Gill laughed softly. “Goodnight, slap,” she said, and snuggled even further into the other woman’s arms.


Gill woke up the next morning, feeling a bit disoriented and with a bit of a headache, but she didn’t feel too bad. She quickly realised where she was and who she was with, and thought to herself that the sheer bliss she was feeling about what had happened last night probably had something to do with the apparent absence of a monster hangover.

Gill had always thought of herself as straight. She’d thought about the idea of being with a woman, of course, having gone to gay bars with Julie a few times and having had women hit on her more than once. She had found herself thinking that maybe she would be open to it, if the right person came along, but so far that hadn’t happened. But this was Julie. This was her very best friend in the whole world. It wasn’t like she was now playing for the other team; this didn’t mean that she was now gay. It just meant that she was in love with this one specific person. Suddenly, placing yourself in a box like that – putting yourself into a category – seemed to make absolutely no sense. She didn’t want to play for any team anymore. She wanted to stand in the middle of the field and shout, “STOP!” She didn’t want to play by anyone’s rules. There should be no rules attached to love.

She rolled over slightly to check the time on her phone. Six o’clock in the morning – way too early to be so deep, she thought, and smiled slightly at herself. She turned back around to face the woman who was still fast asleep next to her. She knew there were a lot of things they would inevitably have to talk about, but for now she just wanted to enjoy lying next to her. She closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep.


Julie stirred from her sleep, yawned, and sat up. As she noticed the petite figure that was her best friend lying, still asleep, next to her, the events of the previous night came rushing back to her. Did that really happen? It seemed so much more likely that it had been a dream – a very elaborate one – because there was no other logical explanation for it. She gazed down at Gill; she could stare at her for ages. She looked so peaceful.

Just when Julie was about to start looking for her phone, she felt Gill shift slightly, and turned around to see the other woman sit up and rub her eyes.

“Good morning,” Julie said lovingly.

“Morning, love,” Gill replied sleepily.

“How are you feeling?” Julie asked.

“Fantastic,” Gill said, smiling.

Julie let out a small sigh of relief, and leaned in to place a quick kiss on Gill’s lips. “Me too,” she said, smiling back at the other woman.

For a minute, the two best-friends-turned-lovers just sat there gazing into each other’s eyes.

“This doesn’t seem real to me,” Julie finally said. “Perhaps it’s because I’ve had about a million different dreams about how this would happen.”

Gill could feel tears prickle in her eyes. When did she become this sentimental?

“Oh god, listen to me,” Julie said, sniffling slightly. “I must sound pathetic.”

Gill shook her head. “Not at all, slap.” She leaned in and put her head on Julie’s shoulders, and then picked up the other woman’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

They sat like this for a few minutes, just enjoying the silence and each other.

“Goodness, I need to go find my phone!” Julie suddenly exclaimed. “I don’t even know what the time is.” She untangled herself from Gill and moved to sit on the edge of the bed, covering herself with the sheets whilst trying to locate her clothes.

Gill reached for her own phone, which was on the nightstand next to her. “It’s 7:45, slap.”

“Right. I need to go into work for a few hours. I left some unfinished paperwork last night to go hang out with you instead, and it has to be done by Monday morning so I have to go in now. I don’t regret coming to see you instead, though, not for a second. Totally worth it!” Julie said, turning around to give Gill a cheeky smile.

“Of course it was,” Gill replied with a grin, raising her eyebrows.


While Julie was in the bathroom getting dressed, Gill slipped into her morning robe and went downstairs to put the kettle on and make some breakfast. She was in the middle of a rendition of “I Could Have Danced All Night” when Julie walked in.

“Singing show tunes again, are we Gill?” She asked, with a hint of laughter in her voice.

Gill turned around with a huge smile on her face. “Gill isn’t here. I’m Julie Andrews.”

Julie laughed at her best friend’s morning silliness.

“Tea and toast?” Gill asked, putting the plates on the table.

“Ooh, yes please.” Julie sat down, and Gill went to get the cups of tea still standing on the kitchen counter.

“Here you go,” she chirped as she went to sit down in the chair opposite her best friend.

“Cheers, my love,” Julie said, taking a sip of her tea.

They ate their breakfast in silence; Gill was reading the paper and Julie was checking her emails on her phone. Fifteen minutes later, Julie was in the hall putting her shoes and coat on.

She was just about to walk out the door when Gill stopped her. “Wait,” she said quickly. Julie turned around to face the other woman. Gill raised herself up on her toes and put her arms around Julie’s neck. She smiled, and leaned in to capture the taller woman’s lips with her own.

“I love you, slap,” she said, once the kiss had ended. “I miss you already.”

“I love you too, you mad cow,” Julie said softly. “I wish I didn’t have to go in today. I’ll hurry back, shall I?”

Gill nodded, and went in to kiss her once more, before reluctantly letting her go.

“I’ll text you when I’m done,” Julie said, before walking out and closing the door behind her.


Gill had the day off, so after Julie left she had a three-hour long nap, before taking a nice long bath. She found herself unable to stop smiling; she couldn’t remember feeling this happy in a very long time – if ever. She kept checking her phone every five minutes, as well, which seemed nonsensical to her when she thought about it because this was Julie, her best friend, someone who she was used to receiving texts from on a very regular basis. And yet, thinking about receiving a text from Julie right now made her feel all giddy and excited. My god, Gill, pull yourself together, woman. It’s just Julie, for goodness sake. But however hard she tried, she could not shake the images of Julie lying on her bed naked, and then she felt that jolt in the pit of her stomach all over again.

Gill flicked on the TV, and tried to focus her attention on something else. Waiting for Julie to text was driving her insane.

About half an hour into some romantic comedy or other, her phone buzzed with a notification. Gill made a leap towards the table to fetch her phone. It was a message from Sammy.

Hi mum. I’m probably gonna be home Monday morning instead, as dad is taking me to a concert Sunday evening. Is that okay? x

Gill quickly replied, saying of course, that’s fine, and put her phone back on the table. As soon as she’d done that, it buzzed once again. This time it was from Julie.

Hiya. I’m just on my way over, went home to have a shower and a change of clothes. See you in a bit. J x

Gill suddenly felt really nervous, for reasons she didn’t even understand. Oh god, I need to change out of these sweats, she thought, and ran upstairs to her bedroom. Once there, she pulled out a pair of skinny jeans and a white blouse, which she then proceeded to change into. She hastily applied some makeup, and went downstairs to tidy up a bit before Julie arrived.

She had just sat down on the sofa when the doorbell went off. She could feel her heart racing as she walked down into the hallway.

As soon as she had opened the door, Julie had scooped her up into her arms, and before she knew it Julie’s lips were pressed against her own. She then closed the door behind her with her foot, and swung Gill around to pin her up against the door. She proceeded to kiss her girlfriend with increased passion, until they’d both run out of breath. They broke apart, reluctantly, and Julie rested her forehead against Gill’s.

“That’s all I’ve been able to think about, all day,” she said, still trying to catch her breath after the intense make-out session.

“No complaints from me,” Gill whispered, and smiled softly. “My mind has gone there a few times, too, since I last saw you.” Her smile turned cheeky. “My train of thought didn’t stop there, though.”

Julie chuckled. “Is that an invitation?”

Gill crinkled her nose, and started walking backwards. “Come on, then. The last person to get out of their clothes is buying dinner!”

20 September 2013 @ 04:33 am
This is just a short drabble I wrote a couple of weeks ago. It's nothing, really.

He Never Deserved Her

Dave Murray was the epitome of awful. He was everything Julie Dodson found disgusting about the human species. He was a terrible shag bandit who cheated on and lied to the people he was supposed to care about. He was, quite simply, an arsehole of epic proportions.

Julie had never felt such deep-seated hatred towards anyone else in her entire life. Even the mention of his name made her whole body tense up and her fists clench. She couldn’t stand looking at his face for even a fraction of a second. He was the dickweed of all dickweeds.

From the day she had first met him, Dave Murray had given off selfish-bastard-vibes, but he’d been married to her friend, so she had kept her mouth shut about it. After all, she wasn’t entirely sure her first impression was actually right. Her intuition hadn’t failed her, though; Dave had indeed turned out to be exactly who she had thought he was. The more Julie had gotten to know him, the more of a slimy bastard he appeared to be. She also thought he would behave in a suspicious manner quite often; she’d seen him sneaking around with his phone more times than she cared to remember. However, it had not been her place to get involved. Even as her friendship with Gill grew stronger over the years – she now thought of Gill as her best friend – she still didn’t want to go down that road. She really valued what the two of them had, and there was no way she was going to jeopardise it.

Now, though, after everything he had done over the years was out in the open, and he was no longer married to her best friend, Julie could say whatever she wanted to the little creep, and she was definitely taking advantage of it. All the years of built up rage had come out one evening when she had run into him outside a pub after a particularly stressful day. She had seen him standing there, and something inside of her just snapped. The expletives were flowing freely and loudly as she told him exactly what she thought of him. He had told her to piss off, of course, being his drunken, moronic self, but Julie hadn’t given a crap about anything coming out of his mouth. It had felt so good to finally say all of it to his face.

“What’s it to you, anyway, bitch?” Dave had slurred drunkenly, when she was done shouting at him.

Julie snorted and shook her head, and then a completely different rant came to the surface and started spilling out of her.

“You are the stupidest person I know. Have you SEEN Gill?  Have you seen what she bloody looks like? She is beyond gorgeous, and infinitely too good for you, and still you somehow found it in you to cheat on her? Are you fucking BLIND? You had her. You were lucky enough to have her, and you fucked it up royally. I don’t understand how you can live with yourself. The smartest, funniest, and most beautiful woman actually agreed to marry you, and you were idiotic enough to let her go; and for what, exactly? A few cheap one-night stands, and some floozy bimbo who didn’t know better?” Julie shook her head again and glared at Dave.

“I would have given anything to take your place, you know,” she continued. “I was so jealous of you.”

With that final line, Julie had turned around and walked away. Her head had been spinning like crazy, but she had felt so liberated. She had loved seeing Dave’s smug facial expression vanish, slowly but surely, as she gave him her piece of mind. She could tell that he knew, he KNEW, that she was right, that Gill had been way out of his league and that he had been a complete fool not to realise that.

Fucking bastard.
20 September 2013 @ 04:22 am
This is for you, ForFanfic, whatever you real name might be. :)

Loving Gill Murray

DSI Julie Dodson thought she had seen it all; nasty murdering scumbags, psychopathic serial killers, sickening low-life rapists and pedophiles, not to mention people who murdered their own family members. She had once been on a case where someone had killed two siblings – a brother and a sister – and then placed their severed heads on the front steps of their mother’s house. She had dealt with families who’d had little children kidnapped and eventually found dead in completely horrifying states. But somehow, watching Gill Murray strapped to that car seat with a knife to her throat was the worst experience she’d ever had as a cop. She had absolutely no idea how she had managed to pull herself together throughout the whole ordeal of trying to save them both - Gill as well as Helen, who had not had much of a life, poor thing.

However, as bad as she felt about everything Helen had been put through in her life, it was knowing that Gill’s life was in danger that had really scared the crap out of her.

Now, as she was sitting in the dark in her office, trying to make some sense of the events of the day, she found herself trembling and feeling physically ill thinking about what could have happened to her best friend that day… what could have happened to the woman she was in love with.

She felt bad about the way Helen’s life had ended, and she knew Gill was absolutely devastated after having watched the poor woman die without being able to do anything. Julie was absolutely certain that they would have been able to help Helen, had she come to her senses, but sadly that wasn’t what had happened.

Julie sighed heavily and slumped back in her office chair, staring at the unfinished report she was currently struggling with. She couldn’t think very clearly anymore, it was getting late and she was worried about Gill. She still hadn’t seen her since she had been rescued out of that car several hours ago. How was she feeling now? Was she still in shock? Was she in any pain at all? The belt had been awfully tight around her neck. Julie shook her head and put her face in her hands, trying to make the mental images go away.

After another fifteen minutes of not getting anything done, she shut her computer off and stood up, grabbing her coat in the process. She had to go see her. She had to go see Gill.


Gill Murray was perfection in human form. She was the impossible dream, the fantasy that could never become reality. Julie had been completely powerless to stop her emotions from running wild; from the very first moment she laid eyes on her she had been captivated by the sheer beauty of this woman. Getting to know her hadn’t helped matters, either. She was smart, intuitive, compassionate and completely hilarious. There had been an instant connection as they had found common ground in the form of sarcasm and career ambitions.

The only downside? She had been married. To a man. Julie had thought to herself that it was just another silly crush, and that it would pass with time, but she had been wrong on so many levels. Gill had only become more and more beautiful to Julie, and every second spent with her uncovered little parts of her personality that just made her more lovable.

She remembered the moment she had realised that she would never love anyone else the way she loved Gill. It was just another Saturday night, and Gill had insisted they go to this gay bar, Taurus, on Canal Street. Julie had agreed, thinking it would be good for her to put herself out there, maybe meet some new people, and have some fun. Three cocktails into the evening, Gill had smiled challengingly and pointed towards a tall, curvy redhead standing at the bar sipping on a cosmo. “What about her?” Julie had looked in the direction Gill was pointing, and when she turned back to look at Gill, her best friend had been sitting there with a wide grin, her nose all crinkled up in that adorable way it always was, and suddenly Julie felt as if she had had the wind knocked out of her. She had managed to smile back, before standing up, announcing that she was just going to pop to the toilet. She had walked away as quickly as she could, and once she was safely inside of a toilet cubicle, she had broken down into tears. She knew that she was a hopeless case, and that she was all set to live the rest of her life being in love with someone she could never have. It was completely out of her control.

She had dried her eyes, reapplied her make-up, and made her way out to the bar. She tried to start a conversation with the redhead, but she remembered struggling to keep her gaze from wandering over to where Gill was sitting, smiling widely back at her from her seat. Her heart had ached so badly, and all she had wanted to do was escape. She’d stayed put for a chat and a drink with Lauren (Julie remembered this particular name because of how significant everything had seemed that evening), and half an hour later they’d exchanged phone numbers and moved on. Julie had returned to the table where Gill had been sitting the whole time, silently cheering her on. “Well?” She had inquired upon Julie’s return, and Julie had held up her phone to indicate that she’d saved the woman’s number. “Way to go, slap!” Gill had cheered. “She’s stunning, you should definitely call her.” Julie had smiled and nodded, but inside she was breaking down all over again. No one will ever measure up to you, you gorgeous, mad cow.


As Julie pulled into Gill’s driveway, she realised that Gill was definitely not alone. Then she remembered – it was Sammy’s engagement party. Shit. She wasn’t really dressed for the occasion, and she was tired and upset and just needed a bit of quiet and a chat with her best friend. Oh well, she thought, I’ll just have to suck it up and get through it somehow. She walked up to the house and opened the front door, and stepped into a crowd of teenagers who were dancing to music that made Julie Dodson feel very old and out of place.

“Hey, Julie!” Sammy shouted across the room, and made his way over to her, greeting her with a smile and a hug. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Hiya kid. Congratulations!” Julie said, hugging him back. “Listen, where’s your mum?”

Sammy shrugged. “I haven’t seen her in a while. I guess she’s either outside or upstairs somewhere.”

“Okay, thanks,” Julie said, giving him a warm smile before walking off to search for Gill.

Over by the stairs she ran into Rachel Bailey and Janet Scott, who were having a conversation about whether or not they would still be friends in twenty years. Yes, you will, Julie thought to herself. Janet needs a bit of madness, and Rachel needs Janet’s stability in her life. She smiled politely at the both of them, and asked them if they had seen Gill.

“I think she’s still upstairs,” Janet said. “She got a bit pissed earlier, and we left her to have a bit of a nap to sleep it off.”

“I see. Are you two okay?”

Rachel looked at Janet, who smiled and nodded, and Rachel turned to face Julie again. “Yeah, we’re alright.”


Standing in front of Gill’s bedroom door, Julie could feel her heart pounding in her chest. She realised she had no idea what she would say to Gill, and she had no way of knowing what to prepare for. What kind of state was she going to find her in? How was she going to react when she saw Gill for the first time since the horrible events of the day?

Julie took a deep breath before knocking. She paused to wait for a response, but when she didn’t hear anything she knocked again, a bit harder this time.

“Yes,” she heard Gill grumble from inside the room.

Julie opened the door and peeked in to see Gill lying on her bed. “Hiya. Can I come in?”

“Please do,” Gill said. She sat up, and rubbed her eyes. She had been waiting for Julie to show up, knowing that she must have been through all sorts of hell herself because of her little adventure.

“How are you feeling?” Julie asked, as she was closing the door behind her. Her heart ached when she noticed the bruising on Gill’s neck.

“Oh, you know…” Gill smiled bravely. “How are things looking downstairs?”

“Not too bad. Seems like people are having fun down there.”

“And what about Captain Underpants?” Gill said, and raised her eyebrows slightly.

“Well, he looked pissed, as per usual; you didn’t expect any less, did you?” Julie replied sarcastically.

“I suppose not,” Gill chuckled.

Julie always loved bantering with Gill. But she really wanted to get to the heart of the matter.

“How are you really, though, Gill?” She asked, with an expression of concern on her face.

Gill sighed. She didn’t know how to respond to that question. She was feeling a lot of different things at the same time; she felt upset about Helen’s death, she felt grateful to all the people who had given their all trying to save her, she felt relieved about being alive, and she felt angry about the injustice of it all.

“Please talk to me, love,” Julie said softly.

“Oh, Julie…” Gill said, her voice breaking as the tears started rolling down her cheeks. “It was horrible!” She was full on crying now. “It hurts so badly that we weren’t able to save her. You know?”

Julie climbed onto the bed to sit next to Gill, so she could put her arms around her best friend in an attempt to comfort her, if that was even possible after something like this.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, my love,” Julie whispered into Gill’s ear as she hugged her tightly, never wanting to let go.

Gill continued to sob onto her best friend’s shoulder. It felt really nice to be held like this by Julie. There was no one else she would rather have been with right now.

“I’m just relieved we were able to save YOU, Gill. I don’t know what I would have done with myself if we hadn’t,” Julie said, voice cracking at the final word. “I need you in my life, more than you know.”

As soon as she’d said it, she regretted it. She was terrified of scaring Gill away if she ever found out exactly how she felt about her. She sent a silent prayer to whoever was listening that Gill hadn’t taken notice of what she had just said.

Gill pulled back from Julie’s embrace and examined her friend’s facial expression closely. “What do you mean, more than I know?” She asked.


It was now or never, Julie thought. She could continue to keep her feelings wrapped up, or she could come clean. She decided to take advantage of what she had just said, and leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her best friend’s lips. She was painfully aware of what a risky move she was making, but something inside her had snapped today and she was no longer able to put up the cool front she had been wearing for so many years when she was around Gill.

To her surprise, though, Gill had put her arms around her neck and was kissing her back. At first it was a nice, gentle kiss, but it heated up quickly enough. Gill slipped her tongue into Julie’s mouth, which made Julie’s heart beat like it was trying to come out of her chest. Their tongues started interacting, and Gill moaned softly as she was kissing Julie passionately. Julie used her hands to gently push Gill down onto the bed so she was lying on her back with Julie on top of her. They continued kissing, tongues intertwining, lips covering lips. Julie found herself thinking, “It must be a dream, this cannot possibly be happening.” Gill Murray was straight. She had always been straight, and therefore out of Julie’s reach.

Reluctantly, Julie pulled away from Gill, and sat up. She had to choke back a sob as she felt tears welling up in her eyes. “I am so sorry, Gill! I don’t know what is wrong with me.” Julie looked away, scared of actually looking the woman she loved so desperately in the eye, knowing there was no chance of her feeling the same way.

Gill was left trying to catch her breath. As she did so, she slowly began to sit up.

“Julie…” Gill said, voice barely above a whisper. Julie didn’t respond. She continued to look away. “Julie, look at me. Please?”

Doing her best to wipe away the tears that were spilling down her face, Julie turned around and looked at her best friend with great sorrow. Gill was gorgeous. She always had been, but for Julie she was getting more and more beautiful with every passing day. Looking at her now, she thought to herself that she had never looked as beautiful as she looked tonight.

Gill’s heart was breaking all over again, seeing the expression on Julie’s face; Julie’s beautiful face. It was as if she was suddenly seeing her best friend for the first time, and it felt strange and exciting and like nothing she had ever felt before. She looked into the other woman’s eyes, pain and longing written all over her face.

“I want this,” she said, voice still barely audible. She stroked Julie’s cheek, and leaned in to capture her lips with hers once more.

Julie couldn’t stop herself this time. Before she knew it, she was on top of Gill again, kissing her with the kind of passion she didn’t even know she had in her. Gill was kissing her back with equal force. “Please don’t stop,” she said, lips pressed against Julie’s. The slightly older woman took this as her cue to start removing clothing items. She pulled off Gill’s cardigan and then her own jacket, and threw them both on the floor. She started leaving a trail of kisses down Gill’s neck, and she could feel Gill shivering beneath her.

Julie wanted access to more skin, so she unzipped Gill’s dress and started tugging it up and eventually pulled it all the way over her head, only to reveal the most beautiful sight she had ever seen. She was absolutely stunning and utterly perfect in every possible way. Julie ran her hands over the other woman’s hips and up her sides, taking every inch of her in. “You are so beautiful,” Julie whispered softly into Gill’s ear, before she continued to kiss her.

Gill could have cried when she heard Julie say those words. She had always just assumed that she wasn’t Julie’s type. Julie normally dated tall and curvy women, and Gill realised she was the opposite of that. And yet, here they were.

Gill wanted to see more of Julie, so she began fumbling with her belt and then her zip. “Roll over please,” she said. Julie obeyed without even blinking, and Gill continued to pull Julie’s trousers off, before coming back up to once again lock lips with her best friend. As she did so, she started unbuttoning her shirt, and began kissing her way down her neck and towards her chest until all the buttons were undone. Julie lifted herself up enough for Gill to pull the shirt off and then she crashed back down on the mattress and pulled Gill with her before rolling over again so she was back on top.

Julie removed Gill’s bra, and started to kiss and rub her breasts tenderly, which caused Gill to moan even louder as her whole body reacted to Julie’s touch. It felt amazing to have that effect on her. She kissed her way back up to Gill’s neck, and once again captured her lips with hers, kissing her desperately, all those years of repressed longing finally coming to the surface.

With a trail of kisses, she moved back down the other woman’s upper body, until she reached the edge of her panties, which by now were completely soaked. She ran her fingers along the inside of the underwear, causing Gill to whimper slightly. Finally, she pulled them off, and slowly inserted her finger inside of Gill, moving it around slightly until she found the spot she was looking for; Gill confirmed that she had found it by whimpering uncontrollably, followed by, “Oh my god,” which prompted Julie to keep going.

Gill felt as if someone had set fire to her insides, but in an odd way that felt absolutely amazing. No one had ever made her feel like this before. Julie knew exactly what buttons to push. “Oh god, Julie…” Gill panted heavily, her whole body tensing up at every wave of pleasure going through her. Finally, she climaxed, and she held onto the mattress as she came, and Julie came back up to kiss her just in time to silence Gill before she let out any loud noises. “Fuck, you’re amazing!” Gill whispered, as she was kissing Julie back.


For a while they just lay there in silence, their arms wrapped around each other, eyes closed, listening to the faint sound of music and chatter from downstairs, just resting and enjoying the warmth of each other’s bodies. But then Julie felt the nagging feeling of unease returning to her, and finally she couldn’t keep it inside any longer.

“Gill?” She said, fighting hard to control her tears.

“Mhm?” The other woman replied sleepily.

Julie took a deep breath. “What does this mean?”

Gill lifted her head up to look at Julie, which was enough for the slightly older woman to lose every sense of control over her emotions, and she felt the tears well up in her eyes.

“Hey, why are you crying?” Gill asked, her voice full of concern.

“Gill, I love you,” Julie sobbed. “I really, really love you.”

“Oh, Julie,” Gill said, and felt her own eyes fill with tears as well. She leaned in to kiss Julie softly on the lips, and then pulled back to look into her eyes. “I love you too, I hope you know that.” She wiped the tears off of Julie’s cheeks, gave her a soft smile, and then laid her head back onto her chest.

“I think we both need a good night’s sleep,” she said, and closed her eyes. “Yeah,” Julie whispered, but she still wasn’t entirely convinced that Gill wouldn’t regret everything that had happened in the morning. Still, though, there was nowhere else she would rather be right now. If she could hold Gill and make her feel safe, even if just for one night, she would. There wasn’t anything she wouldn’t do for this woman.


When Julie woke up the next morning, Gill was still asleep next to her. She spent a few minutes just staring at the other woman. She looked so peaceful, Julie thought.

Reluctantly, Julie eventually got out of bed and started gathering her clothes up from the floor. She proceeded into the bathroom to get dressed.

Gill stirred, opened her eyes, and looked around, rubbing her eyes as she did so.  She slowly sat up, noting the pounding head on her shoulders, and pulled the duvet with her as she realised she wasn’t wearing anything. Then she remembered what had happened last night between her and Julie. She closed her eyes as she recalled exactly how good it had been. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it now, though. What if something went wrong between them? She loved Julie way too much to lose her, but she also wanted more than just being friends. Suddenly their friendship didn’t seem adequate anymore, which both scared and thrilled her. Clearly she had some serious thinking to do.

When Julie emerged from the bathroom, fully dressed, and found Gill awake and sitting up, she stopped in her tracks.

“Hey,” Gill said, with a small smile.

“Hi,” Julie said carefully. “How are you feeling?” She continued.

“I’m alright. Pain in the arse headache, though. What about you?”

“Fine. Tired. I need to go into the office now,” she sighed.

“When will you be back?” Gill asked, with a hint of disappointment in her voice.

“I don’t know. I’ll text you.” Julie shrugged, said bye, and left.

Gill was left on her own, feeling puzzled. Why had Julie seemed so distant? Did she regret what had happened? Was she having second thoughts? If so, what had last night been about? Would she have said all those things if she didn’t mean them? Maybe it had just been an extreme reaction to yesterday’s distressing events? Gill would have to consider her next step carefully.


Julie looked at her watch. Just after 6pm. She was just about finished with a batch of paperwork regarding Gill’s abduction, after having been dragged through a series of agonizing meetings earlier in the day. The whole time, she kept seeing her hands on Gill’s body, her lips on Gill’s lips, and she tried to shake it off but it was close to impossible. She was terrified of facing Gill again; fearing what she felt certain would be the most heart breaking moment of her life. With shaky hands, she reached for her phone, and sent Gill a message.

Finishing up at the office. Shall I come over after? J x

Within a minute, her phone buzzed with a notification.

Good. Yes, come over. I have a drink with your name on it. G x

Julie chuckled, and replied: On my way. J x


Julie remembered, like it was yesterday, the day Dave had finally walked out on Gill. Her best friend had called her sounding really upset, and Julie had dropped everything and rushed right over to her house. There had been a lot of tears and even more screaming once she had arrived there, and an awful lot of vodka had been consumed.

“Fuck him! Fuck that twatty arsehole and his stupid twatty face!” Gill had yelled at one point, before bursting into tears all over again. She had been completely inconsolable that evening, and she had kept referring to herself as an “idiot”, which pained Julie to no end.

“I’ve been weak,” she’d declared. “I’ve been weak and pathetic and a moron.”

“My love,” Julie began, “you are none of those things. You are an amazing human being.”

God, how she had wanted to kill that son of a bitch - wipe that smug expression off his face for good. She hated him with a passion, and she didn’t understand how he could live with himself, considering the spectacular mistake he had just made. He’d never deserved Gill, but he had somehow been fortunate enough to marry her, anyway, and now he had left her completely broken. This sad, little piece of shit had made the most beautiful woman in the world cry herself empty, and it had made Julie feel sick to the stomach.

Gill had been shattered, and Julie was the one who had been there to pick up the pieces. She had held her when she cried, listened to her angry rants, and given her words of encouragement over a few bottles of wine. She had been there for her best friend every step of the way. She had been determined to make Gill feel loved and supported, even if she had only been able to do it as a friend. She had tried to be there for both Gill and Sammy, who had only been fourteen at the time, and had found out the hard way (was there any other way?) that his dad was a complete dickweed. It had been a very difficult time for all of them. As Julie walked across the street to her car, she found her thoughts drifting back to that terrible time in their lives, recalling just how badly they had all been affected by it, and how deep the hurt had gone, especially for Gill. She made a vow to herself that she was going to show Gill that she was worth so much more than her crappy ex-husband.


Thirty minutes later, Julie pulled into Gill’s driveway. For a few minutes, she just sat there, working up the courage to go in and face her fears. She had panicked before, in the morning, and she’d just wanted to escape so she didn’t have to deal with it. But she realised she couldn’t put it off any longer. Slowly, she opened the door and stepped out of her car. Slamming it shut behind her, she clicked on the central lock, and walked towards the front door. She rang the doorbell, taking a deep breath, and before she knew it the door flew open to reveal Gill standing there, with a warm smile on her face.

“Hiya slap! Come on in.”

Julie stepped inside, and closed the door behind her. She took her coat off, and followed Gill into the living room. She must have spent the whole day tidying up, Julie thought to herself.

As promised, there were two glasses of wine on the table.

Julie sat down on the sofa, next to Gill, and picked up the glass. “Thanks for this,” she said, “you have no idea how much I need this right now.”

Gill laughed, and took a sip of wine herself. “I think I have a vague idea, actually.”

“You probably do,” Julie replied with a soft laugh.

They sat in silence for a moment, and Julie tensed up again. Here we go, she thought.

Gill put her glass down, and put her hands in her lap.

“So…” She said, uncertain about how to approach the subject.

“Yeah,” Julie said.

“Last night…” Gill began. She looked up at Julie, who already appeared to have tears in her eyes.

“Please don’t,” Gill said, but it was too late; now she was crying too.

“I’m so sorry,” blubbered Julie.

“Don’t be!” Gill’s voice was breaking. “It’s all my fault.”

“What do you mean?” Julie asked, choking back a sob.

“I should have known not to do what I did last night,” Gill said sadly.

“Please stop, Gill…”

“No, I need to say this. I don’t want to lose you as a friend, Julie. You mean too much to me. So can we please just forget about last night?” Gill said, sniffling and wiping away tears from her face.

“I could tell from the way you behaved this morning that you were regretting it too, and it’s alright Julie. I just want to be your best friend, okay?”

Julie struggled to catch her breath as she listened to what Gill had to say. This is exactly what she had been afraid of. Gill just wanted to be friends. She could feel her heart shatter into a million little pieces.

Julie stood up and walked off to the hallway, unable to stop herself from sobbing uncontrollably anymore.

“Julie!” Gill called, and stood up, following her into the hallway.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this, Gill.”

“What do you mean?” Gill sobbed.

“It just hurts too much. I can’t do this right now.”

With that, Julie walked out, leaving Gill behind once again.


Julie was lying on her sofa, curled into a ball whilst crying her eyes out. She had never been in this much pain before. Sure, she had experienced a thing or two in her job, but no physical pain she had ever experienced could even come close to the ache she was feeling now. It was as if someone was grabbing her heart and twisting it in several different directions. She was being torn to pieces from the inside.

How was she supposed to go on after this? Gone was Gill, mad cow and best friend, and gone was Gill, the most beautiful person she had ever known. Gone were the days of their effortless friendship. It would be too hard facing her after everything that had happened. This was what Julie had feared the most – that she would lose Gill if she revealed how she really felt about her. Fuck! Why had she been so weak? Why had she given into temptation? She should have known better.

The tears were still rolling down her cheeks when she heard a loud banging on her door. She sat up, slowly, and glanced quickly at her reflection in the mirror on the other side of the room.

Oh shit, she thought. I look like a freak show.

There was more banging, and it was getting even louder.

“Yes, alright, I’m coming,” she muttered quietly to herself. She stood up, quickly wiped her face with her hand, and walked over to her door to open it.

The sight that met her nearly made her heart jump out of her chest, at least that was what it felt like. A tearstained face with red, puffy eyes was staring back at her. Gill. Of course. How does she still look so beautiful? Julie wondered to herself as the two of them stood there, as if frozen in time.

“I’m sorry,” Gill sobbed. “God, I’m so sorry, Julie!”

She tried to walk towards her, but Julie backed away, another flood of tears threatening to spill out.

“What… what do you want, Gill?”

“I just-“ Gill said, trying hard to gain some sense of control over her emotions, and failing miserably. “I want to apologise.”

The sorrow on Gill’s face broke Julie’s heart all over again, but Julie couldn’t let her guard down one more time. She was afraid she wouldn’t survive it a second time.

“For what?” Julie asked, as the tears spilled down her face once more.

“I don’t know… for everything? I can’t lose your friendship, Julie, it means everything to me,” Gill sobbed.

“Gill…” Julie began, fighting to regain control over her voice. “I wish, more than anything in the world, that we could go back to being best friends. I’m struggling to picture how I am going to get on without having you in my life. But Gill… tonight I was rejected by the love of my life. I really need some time to recover from that. Can you please be patient with me?” Julie’s face was full of pain and despair, her voice barely above a whisper, and tears continued to stream down her cheeks as she spoke.

Gill didn’t know how to react to what she was hearing. She didn’t really understand what her best friend was telling her. Her head was a complete mess and her heart felt like it was being stabbed repeatedly with a sharp object. Seeing her best friend in so much pain was unbearable. She felt a really strong urge to wrap her arms around her and tell her how much she loved her.

“Did you just say, ‘love of my life’?” Gill finally asked, heart racing a million miles a minute.

“Yeah. I did.”

For something that seemed like several minutes, Gill just stood there, looking like someone had asked her a question that was impossible to answer. Julie wanted to put a foot in her own mouth. Why did she have to say that?

Then, suddenly, Gill made a leap forward, wrapped her arms around the taller woman and covered her lips with hers. Julie found herself kissing the smaller woman back. She needed Gill like she needed air.

The kiss was full of longing, pain and passion, which had been building up and was now being released into this one magical kiss. It was indescribable. Julie was once again completely caught up in the moment, and grabbed the other woman’s face in her hands to pull her closer. Their tongues started dancing around each other, and Julie let a small moan slip out as she kissed the woman of her dreams both tenderly and passionately at the same time. For a moment, it was like nothing else existed around them.

Julie lifted Gill up and swung her around, and proceeded to pin her to the wall. She felt Gill’s knees weaken slightly, and she tightened her grip around the smaller woman. They continued to kiss, time and space seemingly standing still around them. Then, as quickly as Gill had started the kiss, Julie forced herself to end it.

“Gill, what are we doing?”

Gill looked momentarily deflated.

“Why are you here?” Julie continued.

The other woman looked away, and took a long, deep breath, before looking back up into the eyes of the woman she liked to call her best friend.

“Are you… have you changed your mind, then?” It just slipped out before Gill had a chance to really think about it. She realised, as soon as she’d said it, that it sounded ridiculous.

“What do you mean?” Julie asked, sniffling and wiping her face furiously with her hands.

“Do you hate me, Julie?”

“Why would I hate you?”

“Because,” Gill sobbed, “I’m a fucking twat who sends amazing people away just because she’s scared.” She looked down at her feet. “I’m so scared, Julie. I’m scared you’ll see me in a different light once we’re together, and that you won’t like what you see. I’m terrified of losing you.”

“My love, you will never lose me! When I said you were the love of my life, I meant it. I meant it with all my heart,” Julie said, her voice breaking slightly. “You don’t have anything to worry about. I have known you for half a lifetime, and I have loved you for so many years that I have lost track. I want to be with you forever, Gill.”

Gill let out a couple of sobs, and looked away, biting her lip. “The last person who said that to me, most certainly didn’t mean it.”

“Oh, Gill. You know how much I hate what he did to you. He didn’t deserve you, and he didn’t even have the good sense to realise how far out of his league you always were. And yes, I do realise you are out of my league as well, but trust me, I would never stop feeling lucky if you actually agreed to be my girlfriend.”

Listening to Julie talk, Gill felt her heart racing, and once again she could not stop the tears from flowing freely.

“Julie,” she said, choking back a sob, “You are a beautiful human being, and I don’t feel like I deserve you. I’m out of your league? Please stop thinking like that! If anything, you deserve better than me. I’m emotionally damaged. And anyway, I’ve seen the women you normally date, and I’m nothing like any of them. I thought I wasn’t your type.”

Julie let out a sound that was like half chuckle, half sob. “You mad cow. I love you.”

Gill laughed through her tears. “Shut up, fat arsed bitch. I love you more.”

They both smiled at each other through the tears, and then they burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Gill fell back towards the wall, and slid down into a sitting position, putting her head in her arms. She was laughing hysterically at this point. Julie, also lost in a fit of laughter, slumped down next to her. They sat like that for a few minutes, trying to compose themselves.

“God, we’re a right mess, you and me,” Gill said, wiping tears of laughter from her face. Julie nodded her head in agreement. They stopped to look at each other, and Julie leaned in to place a light kiss on Gill’s lips. She pulled back enough to look her best friend in the eyes. “So, what do you say, you soppy cow. Are you my girlfriend?”

Gill chuckled. “If you’ll have me.”

Julie shook her head and laughed. Then she leaned in to kiss her again. “Idiot,” she said, once the kiss had ended.

“Did you really think you weren’t my type?” Julie asked, wiping away the last of her tears.

“Yes. Come on, Julie, you’ve always dated these tall, beautiful women. So where do I fit into that equation?”

“Gill, you ridiculous woman. Have you seen yourself? If you think you are anything BUT beautiful, you are so wrong.”

“Oh, piss off, I’m not that pre-“

“You’re stunning,” Julie interrupted, before Gill could finish the sentence. “In fact, I’d say you’re perfect.”

Gill smiled, and shook her head. “Crazy bitch. Come here,” she said, and pulled Julie in for a long kiss. “If I’m perfect, what are you?”


Later that night, as Gill lay wrapped up in Julie’s arms, Julie couldn’t stop smiling. Here she was with this gorgeous woman, who she was lucky enough to call her best friend AND her girlfriend. This must be what ultimate happiness feels like, she thought to herself. She still couldn’t quite believe it, despite having been on the most extreme emotional roller coaster of her life in just a few hours. It didn’t seem real. It seemed almost impossible that she could have been this lucky.

Julie felt a single tear roll down her cheek, and she wiped it away and sniffled slightly. Gill looked up from her light slumber.

“Are you alright, my love?” She asked, concern evident in her voice.

“Yes. I have never been happier than I am right now. But at the same time…” She hesitated. “I’m still terrified that it will go away again, that you’ll change your mind somehow, because I couldn’t cope with that. Not a second time.”

“Nah, you’re stuck with me this time,” Gill smiled and stroked Julie’s cheek lightly. Julie responded with a soft laugh.

“I really mean it when I say just how sorry I am about the way I handled things before, Julie. I promise you it won’t happen again. I know you won’t believe me just yet, but I will prove to you just how much I love you and how serious I am about being in this relationship.” She smiled cheekily and continued: “Turns out my best friend can make me laugh until I cry AND give me THREE orgasms within a few minutes. Now, that’s what I call multi-talented.”

Julie punched Gill’s shoulder lightly. “Oh shut up, you cheeky sod.”

Gill leaned down and whispered into Julie’s ear: “Make me.”

Julie rolled around so she was on top of Gill. “Alright,” she grinned, and leaned down to kiss her girlfriend passionately.


The next morning, Julie awoke to an empty bed. She felt a slight jolt of panic; had Gill changed her mind again? But then she heard someone rustle around in the bathroom, and a minute later Gill emerged wearing nothing but her lacy underwear, making Julie’s heart skip at least three beats.

“Hey slap, I borrowed your deodorant, and I found a spare toothbrush in your cupboard, is that okay?”

She came over to the bed and lay down next to Julie.

Julie took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear a word of what you just said, because I was too busy staring at you walking around looking sexy as hell.”

Gill chuckled. “Yeah, well, you’ll get used to it.”

“I’m not so sure about that,” Julie laughed.

“I better go get dressed, then,” Gill said, raising her eyebrows.

“Don’t you dare,” Julie replied, and dragged Gill back down into her arms.

“Silly cow,” Gill muttered playfully. She then turned around to place a light kiss on Julie’s lips.

Julie rolled over and pinned Gill to the mattress. “Silly cow, eh? We’ll see who’s silly when I’m finished with you!”

“DON’T. YOU. DARE.” Gill said, giving Julie a pretend-stern look, before bursting into laughter. Julie looked away, trying to stop herself from laughing, but it was a battle she was doomed to lose.

“’Don’t you dare’ what?” She asked, before cracking up at the expression on Gill’s face.

“Hey, what are you laughing at, fat arsed bitch?” Gill was trying to keep a straight face, but the way her face was twitching completely betrayed her.

“Your face, you mad woman,” Julie laughed.

“What’s wrong with my face?”

Julie shook her head, still laughing. “Nothing. Nothing at all.”

She leaned in to place a sound kiss on Gill’s lips. Then she pulled back just enough to look into the other woman’s eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of doing that,” she said, lovingly smiling at her girlfriend.

“Me neither,” Gill said, smiling back.

“Soppy cow,” Julie mumbled.

“What? ME?” Gill exclaimed, and pushed Julie away so she landed on her back next to her. Then she proceeded to climb on top of the other woman.

“You know, you’re surprisingly strong for such a small person,” Julie said with a cheeky smile.

“Shut up,” Gill said, and leaned in to capture Julie’s lips with hers. Julie immediately kissed her back with equal fervour. She still couldn’t quite believe that this was actually happening, and frequently considered pinching herself, but she eventually decided that if this WAS a dream, she didn’t want to wake up.

Gill’s lips eventually left Julie’s to wander down her neck. She was searching for Julie’s sensitive spots, and she could feel Julie reacting when she found the right ones. Gill ran her hands down the curve of Julie’s upper body, and all the way down to the hem of the other woman’s nightie. She started to remove it, slowly but surely, and finally Julie sat up slightly, allowing Gill to pull it off completely. Once she had thrown the piece of clothing on the floor next to the bed, she once again leaned in to kiss her girlfriend intensely.

She trailed off on another path of kisses down Julie’s neck, in-between her breasts, and down her stomach, until she reached the other woman’s thoroughly soaked panties. She pulled them off, being deliberately slow, making Julie’s breathing more and more unsteady.

“Oh god, please,” Julie panted.

Gill smiled triumphantly to herself, before thrusting her tongue inside of Julie.


“Holy cow, where did you learn to do that?” Julie exclaimed, with Gill wrapped up in her arms under the warmth of the duvet.

Gill couldn’t help but laugh. “I’m just a genius, you should know that by now.”

Julie chuckled. “You certainly are. A beautiful genius.”

Gill placed a soft kiss on Julie’s lips. “And don’t you forget it,” she said with a wide grin.


I have been working on this story for several weeks, and I'm still far from happy with it, but oh well. We can't ALL be brilliant, lol. ;)
08 February 2012 @ 04:43 pm
So, as it turns out, I have a Livejournal account I didn't even know existed. THAT'S the one they wanted to delete. I have no idea how, when or why that account was created, but they are more than welcome to delete it.

In other news, I have decided to set myself daily goals for studying. Being on quetiapine makes staying awake a pretty massive challenge, but now that I've slept another couple of hours, I think I'm ready. Ready, that is, to go to Asda and buy PEPSI. I must have pepsi. And maybe some chocolate. Also, I probably need some food.

And then I will continue to read this lovely book called Aural Awareness.

Fun times indeed.
Just because I haven't felt like writing for a long time, it doesn't mean that I don't want to keep my account! I still visit some of the communities, doesn't that count for something? I'm tired and unmotivated, because I'm sick. I have other things on my plate. In fact, I have had to apply for mitigating circumstances (again) because I feel like I am an empty shell. I was going to write an annotated bibliography, so I did all this research for it. I spent hours on that shit. But in the end there was just...nothing. I feel nothing. I've got nothing.


So Livejournal, I need time. But I don't want to go missing in the meantime.

That is all. Thank you and good day.
11 November 2010 @ 01:58 pm
Dear you,
Thank you so much. You are a delightful human being who makes me feel comfortable in a situation where I would normally feel anxious and uneasy. And I've learned so much about singing technique and posture and breathing, because you explain things in a way I can actually understand. It also seems like you believe that I have what it takes to succeed, which makes me feel so much better than I have before. So again, THANK YOU.

Dear you,
I want to hate you, but I can't. It's been a year, but I can't get you out of my mind. YOU did this to me. I should be furious. But I'm just losing my mind, wishing you were here. I keep meeting guys who are creepers and shitheads, and they make me wish you were here more than anything. There are no other guys like you out there, are there? But even though I wish you were here, I'm glad you're not, in a way. Because it would make things even harder. You being here wouldn't make any difference, I'd still be the same person, and that means you'd still be too good for me. That's why I did what I did that night. That's why I was acting that way towards you. It scared me to death. I hope you find someone who is a lot better than I am. You deserve that. And I hope I stop feeling this way, some time in the future. Because even though I ran in the opposite direction for the right reasons, it still hurts. I'm working on it.
11 July 2010 @ 07:49 am
It's currently 7:21am. I've been up all night, as per usual. And I'm sick. Great.

The flu symptoms have been on and off for days. Sore throat, headaches, backaches, etc. But I thought I had kicked it on Friday after a couple of days of feeling under the weather. I started feeling better, less tired, in the evening. So I did some house scrubbing (we're washing and re-painting the house this summer), and then I went for a short run, JUST because I felt like I had the energy to actually do that. I haven't gone for a run like that in weeks.

Bad idea. Woke up yesterday feeling like crap. Exhausted and sick. I had put too much of a strain on myself - again. I managed to roll out of bed at 3pm, but I had to get some painkillers and go back to sleep a couple of hours later. I woke up at 7:30pm, drained in sweat. But I felt better, the fever had left my body, and it no longer felt as if my face was about to explode. But now I have a cold, which is EPIC SUCK.

What has happened to my life? I used to be full of energy, and happy. Now I'm just tired, drained and sad. I feel so limited. I cannot lead a normal life. Whenever I say to people in my family that I'm tired, they say something like "well, I'M tired TOO!" and I wonder if they actually feel as exhausted and shitty as I do. Maybe I'm just weak. But actually, I refuse to believe that anyone could put up with feeling like this all the fucking time without being able to take a fucking BREAK. THEIR lives go on, they never succumb to their tiredness. I nearly went under because of it. I couldn't deal. I had to put my life on hold and move back home. Surrender. I was so tired it felt like I was falling into an endless black hole, and there was no light; just darkness.

After I stopped, and eventually decided to change direction, there IS light again. But I NEED my life back. I feel like I'm more dead than alive sometimes. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. If I strain myself too much, it WILL make me sick. It isn't fair. And this particular illness sucks balls because no one takes you seriously. They think you're full of shit and crapcakes. I just want to scream, and shout, WELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING FUN AND ENJOYING LIFE?!

I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. I cannot deal with any kind of pressure. I WANT TO do stuff, but my body says no. And it makes me so fucking mad. LIVID.

I feel like I have been alive, yet mostly dead, for the past five years. I've been through some serious lows, where I felt like my life wasn't worth anything, and some emotionally flat periods where I've just been OKAY, but not really good. Nowadays I feel better, but I'm still not happy. I'm coping. Moving on. Moving to London to study music. It just occurred to me that it's mostly about the need for complete CHANGE. I do not want the old. The old is empty and meaningless and depressing, and I have no need for it. I need to get far away from it. I need a new life. I need London. It represents opportunity and a fresh start. I can be someone else.

But first I need to feel like myself again. I need this illness to be gone so I can move on.

20 May 2010 @ 01:02 am
How am I supposed to find happiness when I can't even find the energy to get out of bed?

Yesterday was such a bad day. I was so tired, I had energy for absolutely nothing. All I did was sit and watch meaningless TV for hours. I barely ate anything, because I didn't have the energy to do that. And I literally felt sick. Pretty sure I had a fever.

I put too much strain on myself this weekend, and on the 17th of May as well, our national holiday. If I'm having a good day, I wanna take advantage of it. That's always the way it is, even though I KNOW I'll have to pay for it later. I can't sit back and just watch myself fall apart anymore. I wanna stay healthy. I wanna get in shape. But my body just won't allow me to do that. It's so frustrating.

Today was better. Today was actually a good day. I went for a run, then I spent the afternoon and evening with my grandma, my cousin who just got back from Miami, and my aunt who we drove up to for a quick visit. Ate lots of cake (so healthy, hah), and talked. It was really nice.

My cousin left my grandma's around 8:30pm, and I stayed and talked to my grandma for a couple of hours after that. Ended up playing her one of my songs, and she told me she really liked it, and that I should keep writing music, because it actually means something. It was actually the first time I played my music for ANYONE, so it was nice to get some positive feedback. I shall keep the dream alive.

I'm doing my best to get back on my feet, but I keep falling back down. It's definitely taking its toll on me. Every time.  I won't let it stop me, but it IS slowing me down.

Going to Denmark tomorrow to visit my sister. My parents, 12-year-old sister and I are driving to Göteborg (in Sweden) to take the boat over to Frederikshavn in Denmark. I just hope I'm not too tired tomorrow, or during the following days. Need to just relax and have a good time while I'm there.

I get back home on Monday, and one of the first things on my to-do list is booking an appointment to see my doctor. Need him to get me an appointment with an ME expert, who is actually able to diagnose me with this illness. Maybe THAT will make people take me seriously. I'm so tired of people looking down on me and not taking me seriously at all. I just don't get it. Why would I WANT to be like this? It's not like I CHOSE this condition. But people treat me like I'm some kind of fake, and it makes me want to cry. How am I gonna get better if all I get is shit? I KNOW I'm a huge disappointment, there's no need to tell me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm trying, I really am.

The search for happiness continues. And so does the search for some frickin ENERGY.
13 May 2010 @ 02:50 pm
Last week I wrote that I was going to create my own Happiness Project. I'm going to focus on all the good things in life, do things that I genuinely enjoy, and just be happy for once.

And so the search for Happiness begins.

I have started to read this book by Eckhart Tolle called "The Power of Now", and on the cover it says that it's "A guide to spiritual enlightenment". Now, I'm not expecting to be spiritually enlightened or anything, but maybe this book can help me change my outlook on life. I've never seen myself as someone who would actually read one of those "self-help" books, but I'll give it a try. There's a first time for everything, right?

In addition to reading books (I have a few other books on my list as well), I am going to focus on my music. Even on the darkest of days, singing and playing my instruments always makes me feel better. I see it as a form of therapy, almost. If I'm feeling anxious, often for no apparent reason, I can just pick up that guitar standing next to my bed, sing a song, and instantly feel better. Music is such an important part of who I am. I also need to work towards achieving an ultimate goal. The first step on the way is getting a BA in Music. And unless I actually read music theory, I won't get there. So I have to pick that book back up again sometime soon. But I'm not going to do more than I can handle. If I'm tired, I'll just have to accept that. I have to accept life for what it is, even if it's not always perfect. It can still be good, and filled with happiness. I am convinced of that.

I need to start writing again. Songs, mainly, but also short stories. It's a creative outlet, and also a form of therapy. It allows me to get some of my feelings out of my system, in a way, and I have way too many feelings to keep them all inside. So writing is absolutely essential to my well being. But I need to be INSPIRED. Get out more, enjoy life, look at the birds, walk among people, talk to a friend... you name it. I need to find inspiration in everyday life.

I want to start taking pictures again. Just to document LIFE and how beautiful the world can be. (I'm starting to sound like a walking cliche, and I know it, but don't you DARE rain on my parade.) I also need to just SMILE more often. Like John in Ally McBeal, with his smiling therapy. So cute. I need to start doing that too. Whenever someone is bugging me... to just sit back, look at them and smile. How cool would that be? I know I won't be able to actually DO that, but it's definitely an amusing idea, and I would really like to at least try it sometime. Instead of getting angry, which is usually such a waste, and almost always makes me feel bad anyway. Instead I should just take a moment, consider whether it's actually worth getting worked up over, and in most cases I'll realise that it really isn't. And then I'll just smile instead. Ha. Yes. I'm liking this plan.

I'm also going to keep up this eating healthy and exercising thing I've started doing this year. It has already made me feel so much better about myself, and not only because I've lost 10 pounds. But I will definitely allow myself to eat chocolate or ice cream every once in a while. Life would just be too boring if I didn't. :)

So anyway, that's it for now. I hope you're all out there searching for YOUR happiness, and hopefully also finding it. Or maybe you already have? :)
11 May 2010 @ 05:09 am
HUMANS! (Opening my  entry in manner of Tim Daly. Just because.)

I feel compelled to write a completely random entry. Especially since my last entry was such a downer. But I feel better now. Mainly because I am OVER IT. I no longer give a rat's ass about a certain someone. I just can't bring myself to care anymore. I think what I experienced a few days ago was what one refers to as "breaking point". I now finally understand what that means. I was feeling extremely low, kind of like the end was near, or something. Can't really explain the feeling. It was emptiness.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have moved from feeling empty and drained to feeling SUPER. But I have moved on, at least. I no longer think about him that way. I see no reason to anymore. And it took me six months to get here, so I feel liberated, in a way. Like I can finally breathe again. Focus on more important things. It's a good feeling.

What do I need a man for anyway? NOTHING. I am a strong and independent woman. I need no one but myself. If I wanna dress up, put make-up on, I'll do it for MYSELF. If I wanna lose 10 pounds, I'll do that for myself as well. MY life is about ME.

Speaking of! I HAVE actually lost 10 pounds. Yesterday I actually got into a pair of jeans that belong to my sister. Size 32. Crazy. But I feel so much better about myself. I don't understand what has happened to me, though. I have turned into such a GIRL. Until recently (about two weeks ago) I didn't even own a pair of heels. Now I own TWO, and it definitely won't stop with that. And I'm buying clothes all the time, especially cute dresses. I also find myself putting on make-up just for the fun of it if I'm bored. WHO THE HELL IS THIS GIRL? AND WHERE DID LINGE GO? I'm also obsessed with my weight. I never used to be. I'm all about eating healthy and working out these days. Even if I probably shouldn't be doing too much because of this little thing called ME. I'm so tired of this illness. I've probably had it for like, 4-5 years as well. And I was never aware of it. Fail. But thinking back, I've been tired and messed up like this for YEARS. But I can't let it stop me from living my life. I AM going back to university in September. I just have to learn how to deal with it. At least I will be doing the thing I am most passionate about in my life, which is music. It IS the love of my life. And I will not come unprepared this time around. I will know all the basic music theory stuff before I attend my very first lecture. I have done my reading. I'm ready! (To face the music! Ha.)

I haven't played any instruments in a couple of weeks, for some reason. Need to start playing again. The guitar is standing next to my bed, ready to be used. And I need to continue working on my song, on the piano. The university has all these recording studios, so my plan is to record a demo as soon as I'm ready. Which will take at least another year, I guess, because I'm such a perfectionist. But I WILL get there.

Also, I need to finish reading the first part of The AB Guide to Music Theory, and start doing exercises. September will be here before I know it.