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11 May 2010 @ 05:09 am
HUMANS! (Opening my  entry in manner of Tim Daly. Just because.)

I feel compelled to write a completely random entry. Especially since my last entry was such a downer. But I feel better now. Mainly because I am OVER IT. I no longer give a rat's ass about a certain someone. I just can't bring myself to care anymore. I think what I experienced a few days ago was what one refers to as "breaking point". I now finally understand what that means. I was feeling extremely low, kind of like the end was near, or something. Can't really explain the feeling. It was emptiness.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like I have moved from feeling empty and drained to feeling SUPER. But I have moved on, at least. I no longer think about him that way. I see no reason to anymore. And it took me six months to get here, so I feel liberated, in a way. Like I can finally breathe again. Focus on more important things. It's a good feeling.

What do I need a man for anyway? NOTHING. I am a strong and independent woman. I need no one but myself. If I wanna dress up, put make-up on, I'll do it for MYSELF. If I wanna lose 10 pounds, I'll do that for myself as well. MY life is about ME.

Speaking of! I HAVE actually lost 10 pounds. Yesterday I actually got into a pair of jeans that belong to my sister. Size 32. Crazy. But I feel so much better about myself. I don't understand what has happened to me, though. I have turned into such a GIRL. Until recently (about two weeks ago) I didn't even own a pair of heels. Now I own TWO, and it definitely won't stop with that. And I'm buying clothes all the time, especially cute dresses. I also find myself putting on make-up just for the fun of it if I'm bored. WHO THE HELL IS THIS GIRL? AND WHERE DID LINGE GO? I'm also obsessed with my weight. I never used to be. I'm all about eating healthy and working out these days. Even if I probably shouldn't be doing too much because of this little thing called ME. I'm so tired of this illness. I've probably had it for like, 4-5 years as well. And I was never aware of it. Fail. But thinking back, I've been tired and messed up like this for YEARS. But I can't let it stop me from living my life. I AM going back to university in September. I just have to learn how to deal with it. At least I will be doing the thing I am most passionate about in my life, which is music. It IS the love of my life. And I will not come unprepared this time around. I will know all the basic music theory stuff before I attend my very first lecture. I have done my reading. I'm ready! (To face the music! Ha.)

I haven't played any instruments in a couple of weeks, for some reason. Need to start playing again. The guitar is standing next to my bed, ready to be used. And I need to continue working on my song, on the piano. The university has all these recording studios, so my plan is to record a demo as soon as I'm ready. Which will take at least another year, I guess, because I'm such a perfectionist. But I WILL get there.

Also, I need to finish reading the first part of The AB Guide to Music Theory, and start doing exercises. September will be here before I know it.
flicka_fan: The Good Wife|Alicia & Will tenderflicka_fan on May 12th, 2010 10:44 pm (UTC)
I'm glad you're starting to feel better and congrats on the weight loss! :)
Lingexx_linge_xx on May 13th, 2010 12:53 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :)