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11 July 2010 @ 07:49 am
What happened to my life?  
It's currently 7:21am. I've been up all night, as per usual. And I'm sick. Great.

The flu symptoms have been on and off for days. Sore throat, headaches, backaches, etc. But I thought I had kicked it on Friday after a couple of days of feeling under the weather. I started feeling better, less tired, in the evening. So I did some house scrubbing (we're washing and re-painting the house this summer), and then I went for a short run, JUST because I felt like I had the energy to actually do that. I haven't gone for a run like that in weeks.

Bad idea. Woke up yesterday feeling like crap. Exhausted and sick. I had put too much of a strain on myself - again. I managed to roll out of bed at 3pm, but I had to get some painkillers and go back to sleep a couple of hours later. I woke up at 7:30pm, drained in sweat. But I felt better, the fever had left my body, and it no longer felt as if my face was about to explode. But now I have a cold, which is EPIC SUCK.

What has happened to my life? I used to be full of energy, and happy. Now I'm just tired, drained and sad. I feel so limited. I cannot lead a normal life. Whenever I say to people in my family that I'm tired, they say something like "well, I'M tired TOO!" and I wonder if they actually feel as exhausted and shitty as I do. Maybe I'm just weak. But actually, I refuse to believe that anyone could put up with feeling like this all the fucking time without being able to take a fucking BREAK. THEIR lives go on, they never succumb to their tiredness. I nearly went under because of it. I couldn't deal. I had to put my life on hold and move back home. Surrender. I was so tired it felt like I was falling into an endless black hole, and there was no light; just darkness.

After I stopped, and eventually decided to change direction, there IS light again. But I NEED my life back. I feel like I'm more dead than alive sometimes. I AM SO FUCKING TIRED. If I strain myself too much, it WILL make me sick. It isn't fair. And this particular illness sucks balls because no one takes you seriously. They think you're full of shit and crapcakes. I just want to scream, and shout, WELL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M HAVING FUN AND ENJOYING LIFE?!

I honestly don't know what to do with myself anymore. I cannot deal with any kind of pressure. I WANT TO do stuff, but my body says no. And it makes me so fucking mad. LIVID.

I feel like I have been alive, yet mostly dead, for the past five years. I've been through some serious lows, where I felt like my life wasn't worth anything, and some emotionally flat periods where I've just been OKAY, but not really good. Nowadays I feel better, but I'm still not happy. I'm coping. Moving on. Moving to London to study music. It just occurred to me that it's mostly about the need for complete CHANGE. I do not want the old. The old is empty and meaningless and depressing, and I have no need for it. I need to get far away from it. I need a new life. I need London. It represents opportunity and a fresh start. I can be someone else.

But first I need to feel like myself again. I need this illness to be gone so I can move on.

(Deleted comment)
Lingexx_linge_xx on July 11th, 2010 06:34 pm (UTC)
It's chronic fatigue syndrome. I'm trying to get the diagnose, but that isn't the easiest thing in the world. But there isn't anything wrong with me apart from the fact that my body thinks it's fighting against a constant infection that isn't actually there, draining me of all energy and making me feel sick if I actually DO stuff. And THAT is depressing. I've been tired for years without really knowing why, thinking I just failed at life. So yeah, I've been hit by several waves of depression because of that. And that hasn't exactly helped my situation.

When I attempted to start university last year, I ended up just having to quit because I couldn't deal. I couldn't take a break when I needed it, there was ALWAYS something that had to be done, and I was drowning. So I've just been at home, resting and taking things slowly since I moved back here in December. But I'm still really tired, and it's so frustrating. But I just have to give it another go, because I can't put my life on hold for much longer. I feel like I'm getting nowhere.

But I suppose the worst part is that people don't take you seriously because you don't LOOK ill. And with this illness, there's nothing you can do. You just have to take it slow, and eventually, maybe in 5 years, it'll be gone. Or maybe at least 95 percent gone, or something. And I just feel helpless, and like a failure for not being able to do things, and it sucks.
(Deleted comment)
mcsunshine: a: chenoweth • positively awesometheroomstops on July 12th, 2010 02:15 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry you're in pain :( Have you tried seeing a reflexologist? If nothing else than to get your body in rhythm.

Edited at 2010-07-12 02:15 am (UTC)
Lingexx_linge_xx on July 12th, 2010 03:23 am (UTC)
I'm not sure what that is? I did some alternative treatment a few months ago, involving electrodes and some homeopathic medicine with serotonin, and it helped me a little. But then it sort of just stopped working. I'm not sure if the electrodes actually helped me, or whether it was just the serotonin brightening my mood that made the difference.
mcsunshine: a: chenoweth • let's make believetheroomstops on July 12th, 2010 04:11 am (UTC)
Reflexology is like acupuncture, but without the needles. I went to my person when I was recovering from depression, and my body had basically just stopped. I slept with three months after it, because she rebooted my system. Works like a charm on me. My person told me that "If I can help you, I will, but it won't happen overnight, but it WILL make a huge difference. If I can't, I'll tell you so I won't waste your money."

Probably the serotonin, going by what little I know.
Lingexx_linge_xx on July 12th, 2010 01:12 pm (UTC)
Oh, I see. I think she was trying to get my body in rhythm with the electrodes as well. When I dropped out of university I scored 27 on the depression scale, and the last time I saw my doctor I scored 18. So the serotonin she gave me definitely helped. However, I'm not sure if reflexology would work better than what my person did when it comes to getting my body back on the right track. Because mine is totally whack right now. I can't sleep, and then I sleep too much, I'm not tired until 5 in the morning, or maybe I'm tired at 5 in the afternoon... it's very frustrating.

There's nothing anyone can do about my tiredness, though. Or any of the other symptoms I experience, especially after physical activity. There IS this thing called the lightning process, which has supposedly helped a lot of ME patients, but there's no guarantee that it'll improve your situation at all. Could be worth a shot, though, perhaps.
(Anonymous) on July 14th, 2010 07:14 am (UTC)
Lightning Process

I randomly stumbled across a tweet you made mentioning the Lightning Process. I did the process a couple of years ago and it has definitely helped me. I just wanted to say that it is absolutely worth a shot. I have tried many conventional and alternative treatments over the last 10 years or so and the Lightning Process has had the greatest impact. If it doesn't work for you at least you can say that you tried, but I am confident that you will benefit from it. I hope you don't mind some stranger sticking their nose into your business, but I just wanted to share my opinion of the Lightning Process :-) All the best, Jamie
Lingexx_linge_xx on July 20th, 2010 04:09 am (UTC)
Re: Lightning Process
I appreciate all advice and input, so thank you. :)

I've heard so many good things about the Lightning Process, so I definitely want to try it. I am just SO READY for this to be over so I can move on with my life. I feel like I can't really live my life because I'm afraid of how it will affect me. Like, if I do this today, will I be able to leave the house tomorrow?

A friend of my mom's tried it, and it really worked for her. And I've read a lot about it. It seems like the only thing out there that REALLY WORKS.