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03 May 2010 @ 11:01 pm
I woke up today feeling numb and empty. So I just laid in bed for hours, staring at the walls. I couldn't bring myself to get up. I found myself thinking, is this the end?

I just don't know what the point is anymore. I'm trying, I really am, but I feel SO EMPTY. I desperately need to be in control of my own life again. It keeps drifting away from me. Every time I think I'm closing in on it, it slips away again.

Why do I constantly allow my insecurities to define me? I just keep thinking that everything is wrong with me. Because surely that must be it, right? I am just so WRONG, in every possible way? That is why no one cares. Julia Murney's song "I'm Not Waiting" asks all the right questions. Am I old? Am I dumb? Do I wear the wrong kind of jeans? Am I fat? Am I slow? Do I read the wrong magazines? Am I all the wrong in-betweens? I would just like to KNOW. I am so tired of feeling like this.

I'm losing interest in stuff. I have to force myself to do simple things. This afternoon I MADE myself clean my room, just because I had to feel like I was in control of something. That is also why I don't eat, I think. I feel like I am in control of my own body if I don't. Also, I'm tired of feeling fat. And before you roll your eyes at me: I REALLY AM, KAY? And I have the right to lose weight if I want to. I'M the one who gets to decide what I'm going to eat, and how much. I'm in control of that, and no one can take that away from me. And you have to start somewhere, right? Even when life is dark and everything seems impossible, you have to keep on going. And you have to do whatever it takes in order to do that.

Blerg. I have the attention span of a 3-year-old. I can't even stick to one topic. I can't focus on anything these days. I try, but after reading ONE page, or writing ONE passage of something, I can't concentrate anymore. I also have no energy; I can't even bring myself to do simple tasks sometimes. And that makes me feel like a huge failure. So in the end, I do them anyway, to feel better, and more in control. But I never feel in control for long anyway. It just comes and goes. I never really feel better either. I just feel tired. Drained. Worthless.

Why should anyone love me? I don't even love myself. I don't even ACCEPT myself. Honestly, I feel like I have, yet again, taken several HUGE steps in the wrong direction. I have no idea how I allowed that to happen. I was making progress. At least I thought I was. But this weekend was one slap in the face after another, and I got beaten down again. I don't understand why I let stuff get to me. I wish I didn't.

I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about a certain someone. Wondering if I should just delete him from Facebook. That way I can't check to see if he's online every five minutes and drive myself crazy. I would no longer be able to contact him. I would no longer see his name in my news feed. I would be one step closer to finally moving on with my life? I honestly don't know why I do these things to myself.

This has been a bad couple of days. Maybe the next couple of days will be better. Who knows. But I need a new project. A happiness project. Like that book by Gretchen Rubin. I just have to figure out what I would like to focus on, what I would like to achieve, and go from there.

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on staying alive, and breathing.
25 April 2010 @ 11:13 pm
Dear you,

Every time your name pops up in my Facebook newsfeed, I just want to scream and throw things. I hate you for making me feel this way. I know, that's not fair, but I can't deal with fairness right now. This makes absolutely no sense to me, so I'm blaming you. It's unfamiliar emotional territory that I've never had to deal with before, so I'm more than a little confused. I feel lost. I would like to be able to turn and go back to where I was before, but then I'd have to un-meet you. And sadly, that's just not possible. I keep thinking that maybe, if I could just see you again, this whole thing would pass. I would finally figure out that it's NOTHING, and move on. So a part of me is actually hoping that I get to see you again soon. But another part of me would freak out and die, and I know it. And I NEVER wanted to be that girl. Ever. So thanks a lot for that.


Dear you,

You confuse me. Sometimes you act like you're the most understanding person in the world, and you're actually aware of the fact that I'm not well. But other times you get upset and find ways to make me feel incredibly bad for being this way (and I already feel pretty bad about it most of the time). I'll just say something as simple as "I'm tired", and you'll start going off about how my tiredness is unjustified, because I haven't actually done anything. Well, that's the thing, isn't it? THAT'S why I'm so frustrated. If I HAD a reason to be tired, it would be alright. Understandable, at least. But I don't always have a "reason" to be tired, and sometimes I have ridiculously bad days when everything is PAIN and I feel like I'm sick. And if you think it's hard for YOU, imagine how those days are for ME. I know I disappoint you in every possible way, but I'm trying. I really am.


Dear you,

Apparently, you don't understand where I'm coming from. You don't understand all the bitterness I'm dealing with when it comes to you. We've never had a very good relationship, and you know that. So why are you acting like it's something we can just leave behind? It's always going to bother me, especially as long as I'm still sick. As long as you keep making me feel bad about myself, and keep making me feel guilty for every little thing I do, I'm gonna keep going into defense mode and attack you. NOT because I want to fight with you, but because it's the only way I'll be able to deal with it without losing my mind. You need to realise that.

03 February 2010 @ 01:00 am
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about the online situation. I've been wondering why I'm so concerned about what the "online people" think. I mean, it's not real life, is it? Well... "real life"? Isn't every person a "real" person? Every person behind a computer is a real person, obviously. And I do consider some of these people to be my actual FRIENDS, and I care about them a lot. But I also, as ridiculous as it sounds, have people I truly DISLIKE, just like I do in "real life". Why, isn't this starting to sound a bit too "real" already? We fight, we have fun, we discuss everything from school to politics to celebrities and movies, we share our opinions and differences, and sometimes we disagree and get into fights. Just like in "real life". So my question is: Is it wrong to be so emotionally invested in these Internet relations?

I've been dealing with a lot of personal issues over the last few years. Depression, for one thing. And at the time I felt as if no one even tried to understand what I was going through, or maybe I was afraid of facing the people I surrounded myself with, I don't know. Anyway, I found comfort in an online community, where I discovered a whole world of people who were more similar to me than anyone I'd ever known in "real life". We could talk to each other about anything and everything, and it wasn't awkward or embarrassing or anything like that. In a way, having these online friends helped me through the hardest time of my life. And for that I am eternally grateful. If you're reading this, you know who you are.

Some of my online friends, even though we have an entire ocean between us, have actually been there for me in a way that no one else ever has before them. They've listened to me as I've unloaded all my pain and my struggles on them, and they've taken it and thrown it away every single time. Some of them have shown me tough love at times, but in the end it has always been appreciated, and I think these people know that. Sometimes I need to be told to shut up and move on, even though it's very hard at times. Because it hasn't been about not taking my problems seriously, it has been about them taking the toll instead of me, in a way. Because I needed to get some help, and I never realised that. I was just... hiding. Behind a computer. And the other people behind the other computers became my only comfort in a time where I most certainly needed more than that. Yet, I'm pretty sure that in a way, it saved me from going under. Yes, that sounds dark and disturbing, but I think it's actually true. And sometimes the dark and disturbing stuff needs to be said out loud, or written down, whatever, in order to move on. And I've reached a certain point in my life where I am forced to let it all go, and leave it behind.

I think that as long as I keep going online, I will always be faced with all the bad stuff. There is good stuff too, obviously, I consider some of these people to be among my best friends, but the bad stuff is always going to bother me as long as I'm around. I'm always going to wonder what I ever said to make that one person hate me, say unspeakably mean things to me, or what made that other person decide to side with someone else over me, or why certain people online, who don't even know me, think they're that much better than me. Yes, even within the online community there are people who consider themselves "cooler" than others. Again - it's REAL. We're not fooling around on the Internet, are we?

I've always wondered if people have a sort of double identity, or something, if they become someone else the minute they go online. I can honestly say that I have always been myself, but I can't speak for others. Someone I no longer speak to told me that because it's the Internet, she can be as immature as she wants to be. I don't know her in real life, and I never will. And I suppose that may be true. However, I find it hard to believe that people can change their personality so dramatically the moment they sit down in front of a computer. I just don't buy it. We are who we are. Maybe we can be perceived differently by people when we're not standing face to face with them, but some things just can't be interpreted. If you say something unspeakably mean to someone, that's it; you're unspeakably mean. There's nothing else to say about that. There is never an excuse for being mean to another person, whether it is an "online" person or a "real" person. Because in the end, we're ALL REAL. I am a REAL PERSON. With feelings. Every boy and girl behind a computer is a real person. Sorry if I'm bursting someone's bubble, but that's just the truth.

Well, I've had enough of it. There is no way I'm gonna let anyone get me down. I'm gonna keep in touch with a few people, because they're my friends and they've never given me any reason to doubt that I can trust them. But some people are just phony, or downright bitchy, and I don't have another minute of my life to waste on them.

I'm moving on.
30 January 2010 @ 12:16 am
So I took this test the other night, and I got the following result.

The best way to determine whether you're a weirdo or not was the fact that you've taken this test. You might've held some sort of suspicion which turned out to be true. Were I to certify you for being a weirdo, I gladly would. Since I cannot, I would recommend you to continue writing "How to become a Weirdo in 10 days". When it comes to future careers, you might want to think about majoring in "Weirdism".”

Well, alright then.

How to become a Weirdo in 10 days.Collapse )
15 December 2009 @ 02:14 am
"If I were king... It would be against the law to play Christmas music before December 20th.

It would also be illegal to make country and western, R&B, or hi hop versions of Xmas songs."

Hahaha. I love Tim Daly. And I love him even more after reading those tweets.
13 December 2009 @ 03:08 am

I decided to do one of these again, just because I felt like it. So here we go.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

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22 November 2009 @ 08:27 pm

Step One
- Make a post (public, friendslocked, filtered...whatever you're comfortable with) to your LJ. The post should contain your list of 10 holiday wishes. The wishes can be anything at all, from simple and fandom-related ("I'd love a Snape/Hermione icon that's just for me") to medium ("I wish for _____ on DVD") to really big ("All I want for Christmas is a new car/computer/house/TV.") The important thing is, make sure these wishes are things you really, truly want.
- If you wish for real life things (not fics or icons), make sure you include some sort of contact info in your post, whether it's your address or just your email address where Santa (or one of his elves) could get in touch with you.

Step Two
- Surf around your friendslist (or friendsfriends, or just random journals) to see who has posted their list. And now here's the important part:
- If you see a wish you can grant, and it's in your heart to do so, make someone's wish come true. Sometimes someone's trash is another's treasure, and if you have a leather jacket you don't want or a gift certificate you won't use--or even know where you could get someone's dream purebred Basset Hound for free--do it.
You needn't spend money on these wishes unless you want to. The point isn't to put people out, it's to provide everyone a chance to be someone else's holiday elf--to spread the joy. Gifts can be made anonymously or not--it's your call.
There are no rules with this project, no guarantees, and no strings attached. Just...wish, and it might come true. Give, and you might receive. And you'll have the joy of knowing you made someone's holiday special.

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11 October 2009 @ 07:17 am

The Place We Call Home


When you walk into the Dress Circle showbiz shop in Covent Garden, you immediately walk away from the world where nobody understands you and into a world of happiness where there are no judgements. Everyone is there for the same reasons you are – seeking after some rare musical record or DVD that they would not find any other place. It’s like it is our secret, this well-hidden shop in the middle of London. You would not find it unless you knew its name and where it was.

 The minute I walk in there, I see Scott Alan. I am a huge fan, but I keep my cool. I’m there to get Annalene Beechey’s CD and have it signed by the artist herself. The man in charge of the store tells me she’s still downstairs, even though I am arriving after the CD signing has ended. I go downstairs, and surely enough – there she is. Scott recognises me from the Birdland gig (Birdland is a jazz club in New York City), and Annalene signs my CD. It doesn’t even matter that she spells my name wrong, because she’s really nice to talk to, and she appreciates that you are there. There is something really special about theatre actors. They know they are not big shot stars, but they know that their fans adore them, and they adore their fans right back. We are like minded people, Annalene and I – we both love theatre and music, and we both know it to be the very thing that defines us at times. We are not trying to hide it, because we are proud of it. This is why we love the Dress Circle. It is where we meet – where we come together to share our passion for what we love. It’s our special place.

 As I make my way over to the counter to purchase a set of Judy Garland DVDs from her concert years, and a Kristin Chenoweth album, the 9 to 5 cast recording starts to play. I feel like this is the only place in the whole world where this would actually happen. I tell the guy who works there how happy it makes me that he is playing it, and the man standing next to me tells me that “he plays it all the time”. As I exit the shop, I can’t help but stop just outside to listen to the song until it’s finished. And just like that, I know I’ll be back.

15 August 2009 @ 06:37 pm

Pick your five favorite TV shows (in no particular order) and answer the following questions. Don't cheat!

1. Sex and the City

2. Desperate Housewives

3. Gilmore Girls

4. Private Practice

5. Friends