I just don't know what the point is anymore. I'm trying, I really am, but I feel SO EMPTY. I desperately need to be in control of my own life again. It keeps drifting away from me. Every time I think I'm closing in on it, it slips away again.
Why do I constantly allow my insecurities to define me? I just keep thinking that everything is wrong with me. Because surely that must be it, right? I am just so WRONG, in every possible way? That is why no one cares. Julia Murney's song "I'm Not Waiting" asks all the right questions. Am I old? Am I dumb? Do I wear the wrong kind of jeans? Am I fat? Am I slow? Do I read the wrong magazines? Am I all the wrong in-betweens? I would just like to KNOW. I am so tired of feeling like this.
I'm losing interest in stuff. I have to force myself to do simple things. This afternoon I MADE myself clean my room, just because I had to feel like I was in control of something. That is also why I don't eat, I think. I feel like I am in control of my own body if I don't. Also, I'm tired of feeling fat. And before you roll your eyes at me: I REALLY AM, KAY? And I have the right to lose weight if I want to. I'M the one who gets to decide what I'm going to eat, and how much. I'm in control of that, and no one can take that away from me. And you have to start somewhere, right? Even when life is dark and everything seems impossible, you have to keep on going. And you have to do whatever it takes in order to do that.
Blerg. I have the attention span of a 3-year-old. I can't even stick to one topic. I can't focus on anything these days. I try, but after reading ONE page, or writing ONE passage of something, I can't concentrate anymore. I also have no energy; I can't even bring myself to do simple tasks sometimes. And that makes me feel like a huge failure. So in the end, I do them anyway, to feel better, and more in control. But I never feel in control for long anyway. It just comes and goes. I never really feel better either. I just feel tired. Drained. Worthless.
Why should anyone love me? I don't even love myself. I don't even ACCEPT myself. Honestly, I feel like I have, yet again, taken several HUGE steps in the wrong direction. I have no idea how I allowed that to happen. I was making progress. At least I thought I was. But this weekend was one slap in the face after another, and I got beaten down again. I don't understand why I let stuff get to me. I wish I didn't.
I need to move on. I need to stop thinking about a certain someone. Wondering if I should just delete him from Facebook. That way I can't check to see if he's online every five minutes and drive myself crazy. I would no longer be able to contact him. I would no longer see his name in my news feed. I would be one step closer to finally moving on with my life? I honestly don't know why I do these things to myself.
This has been a bad couple of days. Maybe the next couple of days will be better. Who knows. But I need a new project. A happiness project. Like that book by Gretchen Rubin. I just have to figure out what I would like to focus on, what I would like to achieve, and go from there.
In the meantime, I'm going to focus on staying alive, and breathing.